Friday, February 27, 2009


I had a very vivid memory this morning. It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. I never saw it coming either, but I'm glad it did.

My mother.....

Where to begin?

I remember being 5 years old and looking up at my 26 year old mother and thinking, I hope I am as beautiful as she is one day!....and she definitely was that! Smooth, flawless skin...perfect mother was a Goddess :).....

And yet, as I got older, I always found myself falling short of her expectations....I felt ugly, fat, I wasn't as bold as she was (as a matter of fact, I was painfully shy when I was younger), I never felt smart enough.....and yet, my mother never criticized. I always thought she did...but that's not what it was....My mother motivated. I just always misunderstood that that's what it was.

To Motivated and to Criticize are two different things.....Being 30 years old, I see this now.

Back to that vivid memory.....

I am 15 years old and helping my mother make her bed.

"Pull the sheets tight!" she says with her beeming smile.

I roll my eyes and tug half-heartedly. She must notice this because she says with a slight look of sadness in her eyes.

"You know, you'll have your own home one day and....well, you'll'll want it to look nice too!"

A small memory....nothing grandios....just something very minute, but a memory none-the-less and so bright, I could almost smell the room mothers Shalimar lingering in the air....little particles of dust floating above our heads in the sunlight coming through the bay window.

I thought it was criticism of my character.....she was just teaching me.

My mother is the best woman I know. No one loves more or gives more than she does. She is gracious, generous and kind. She can make something out of nothing. She is ambitious and will be so until the day she dies. She never gives up hope.....and most of all she loves her family.

I've found myself wondering again if I might ever live up to her standards, or rather, what a wonderful, talented and amazing woman she is.

She has her moments....that's for sure! But who doesn't? If one day someone turns around and says to me: "You've become your mother!".......

I think I may very well take that as a compliment.

Here's me crossing my fingers....and hoping.

***I love you Mommy.....***

Thursday, February 26, 2009

How long can a day be......?

It feels like I've been sitting at this desk for days......

The walls are closing in on me. The phone is like a drill digging a hole in my ear to my brain. My eyes are melting from all the radiation emminating from the computer screen.

I want to see the country in the summer. Green for as far as you can see and sunshine all day long. This snow is depressing. Everything is grey. The sky, the ground, the trees. The world is sick and pale and I can't stand to look at it anymore :(.....

What I wouldn't give for warm, blue water and sand. Sunshine and a gentle summer breeze.....

Ahhh.....if I could run away to somewhere hot and green......I might smile a little more.

Today....a day like any other day.....

It's been a long time since I've blogged bear with me.

I'm listening to Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova's "If You Want Me"....not quite sure HOW I feel today......

My head is fairly muddled. It feels as if, the music isn't being heard by my ears, but by my whole body (mostly my heart), and my brain is engulfed by clouds. My eyes aren't really regestering either, which is weird, but what can you do right?

Saying that today is a day just like any other day is an exact statement. I woke up, eyes puffy and swollen, headache, peed, took a shower, put on some make-up (which never REALLY helps), blow-dried my hair, got dressed, made some toast and coffee, sat in quasi-silence and ate, had a cigarette and then went to work.

A day like any other......thrilling isn't it?

***Note: I'm usually much funnier than this......

So, here I am at work....slacking off and writing because I had a sudden urge to do it (for once). Writers Block has been plaguing me for about....oh.....I'd say 5 years or so. Don't know how to fix it either :( ......I figured starting a blog again might help get the creative juices flowing again. We'll see how it goes....creatively that is.

I had a blog before on Myspace.....but deleted my profile a long time ago.....I used to write daily and one time (when I was single, but fairly in tune with myself psychologically), I wrote a particular blog about the things I didn't want in a, I will grace you with a list of the things that I don't want in goes nothing:

1 - I don't want to wake up one day, realize I'm 50 years old and that I've done fuck all with my life.

2 - I don't want to be a failure.

3 - I don't want to be a bad mother.

4 - I don't want to be a bad wife.

5 - I don't want to waste my time with anger and resentment.

It's a short, but simple list. Things I don't ever want. So far, I've broken them all.....I'm doing fuck all with my life. I've been a failure at everything I've done. I'm a horrible stepmother. I'm a terrible wife. And I'm angry all the fucking time.

How can I change this? How can I make it better? How can I bring my husband to look at me the way he did when we first met...with ushc respect and affection? How can I make my Stepson love me? How can I be better wife? How can I make myself happy again?

I am lost.