Thursday, February 26, 2009

Today....a day like any other day.....

It's been a long time since I've blogged bear with me.

I'm listening to Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova's "If You Want Me"....not quite sure HOW I feel today......

My head is fairly muddled. It feels as if, the music isn't being heard by my ears, but by my whole body (mostly my heart), and my brain is engulfed by clouds. My eyes aren't really regestering either, which is weird, but what can you do right?

Saying that today is a day just like any other day is an exact statement. I woke up, eyes puffy and swollen, headache, peed, took a shower, put on some make-up (which never REALLY helps), blow-dried my hair, got dressed, made some toast and coffee, sat in quasi-silence and ate, had a cigarette and then went to work.

A day like any other......thrilling isn't it?

***Note: I'm usually much funnier than this......

So, here I am at work....slacking off and writing because I had a sudden urge to do it (for once). Writers Block has been plaguing me for about....oh.....I'd say 5 years or so. Don't know how to fix it either :( ......I figured starting a blog again might help get the creative juices flowing again. We'll see how it goes....creatively that is.

I had a blog before on Myspace.....but deleted my profile a long time ago.....I used to write daily and one time (when I was single, but fairly in tune with myself psychologically), I wrote a particular blog about the things I didn't want in a, I will grace you with a list of the things that I don't want in goes nothing:

1 - I don't want to wake up one day, realize I'm 50 years old and that I've done fuck all with my life.

2 - I don't want to be a failure.

3 - I don't want to be a bad mother.

4 - I don't want to be a bad wife.

5 - I don't want to waste my time with anger and resentment.

It's a short, but simple list. Things I don't ever want. So far, I've broken them all.....I'm doing fuck all with my life. I've been a failure at everything I've done. I'm a horrible stepmother. I'm a terrible wife. And I'm angry all the fucking time.

How can I change this? How can I make it better? How can I bring my husband to look at me the way he did when we first met...with ushc respect and affection? How can I make my Stepson love me? How can I be better wife? How can I make myself happy again?

I am lost.

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