I had a very vivid memory this morning. It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. I never saw it coming either, but I'm glad it did.
Where to begin?
I remember being 5 years old and looking up at my 26 year old mother and thinking, I hope I am as beautiful as she is one day!....and she definitely was that! Smooth, flawless skin...perfect teeth....my mother was a Goddess :).....
And yet, as I got older, I always found myself falling short of her expectations....I felt ugly, fat, I wasn't as bold as she was (as a matter of fact, I was painfully shy when I was younger), I never felt smart enough.....and yet, my mother never criticized. I always thought she did...but that's not what it was....My mother motivated. I just always misunderstood that that's what it was.
To Motivated and to Criticize are two different things.....Being 30 years old, I see this now.
Back to that vivid memory.....
I am 15 years old and helping my mother make her bed.
"Pull the sheets tight!" she says with her beeming smile.
I roll my eyes and tug half-heartedly. She must notice this because she says with a slight look of sadness in her eyes.
"You know, you'll have your own home one day and....well, you'll see.....you'll want it to look nice too!"
A small memory....nothing grandios....just something very minute, but a memory none-the-less and so bright, I could almost smell the room again...my mothers Shalimar lingering in the air....little particles of dust floating above our heads in the sunlight coming through the bay window.
I thought it was criticism of my character.....she was just teaching me.
My mother is the best woman I know. No one loves more or gives more than she does. She is gracious, generous and kind. She can make something out of nothing. She is ambitious and will be so until the day she dies. She never gives up hope.....and most of all she loves her family.
I've found myself wondering again if I might ever live up to her standards, or rather, what a wonderful, talented and amazing woman she is.
She has her moments....that's for sure! But who doesn't? If one day someone turns around and says to me: "You've become your mother!".......
I think I may very well take that as a compliment.
Here's me crossing my fingers....and hoping.
***I love you Mommy.....***